Tips for Co-Parenting with a “Disneyland Parent”
Confession time - I have sort of a thing about Disney. Growing up in Southern California, some of my favorite memories are day trips to Disneyland with my family. And Disney does nostalgia so well! When I walk down Main Street with my own kids, the sounds and smells bring me right back to childhood. As much as I might enjoy it, though, this isn’t a post about parents who enjoy Dole Whips and riding the monorail. Unfortunately, the term “Disneyland Parent” has come to represent something else entirely.
What is a “Disneyland Parent”?
In the context of custody/co-parenting, the term “Disneyland Parent” describes a non-custodial parent who shirks any real responsibility, discipline, or genuine parenting time with their child and instead swoops in now and then to lavish gifts and experiences on the child in an attempt to make up for lost time. The same person who is broke when your child needs tutoring suddenly shows up with a brand new X Box. Sound familiar? You may be dealing with a “Disneyland Parent.”
How does this impact children?
Trust me when I say - these parents are not doing themselves any favors. From my many years of experience representing children in Family Court I can tell you that kids can see right through this behavior. A child may enjoy the gifts and will likely even manipulate the parent to provide more, but this does not equate to a deep love or respect. As much as a child will tell you they want ice cream for breakfast and no bedtime, what they truly crave is a stable parent who follows a consistent schedule, sets clear boundaries, and helps them feel safe.
How can I co-parent with a “Disneyland Parent”?
Be careful not to let your child see how much this behavior galls you. So long as your child isn’t in danger, keep your concerns to yourself. Kids are sensitive to your reactions and when they sense conflict between co-parents that can be even more detrimental than their less-than-ideal experience while with their other parent.
If a special trip or reward makes sense in your parenting scheme, go for it, but don’t pile things on in an effort to “even the playing field” with your ex. There is no winning this competition, so try not to see it as one.
Keep a level head about the money. If things seem really off financially (i.e. your ex claims poverty and stops paying child support, but at the same time spends wildly on extras for your kid) then it’s time to speak with an attorney about your legal options.
Try not to let it get to you or change your behavior. The best thing you can do is just keep on providing the same solid, stable parenting that you always do during your parenting time. The research shows that children who have at least one stable, caring, and supportive relationship with an adult caregiver are predisposed to have positive outcomes.
At the end of the day, you can’t control your ex’s behavior and, chances are, your kids will turn out just fine in spite of them. As Walt Disney once said, “Why worry? If you've done the very best you can, worrying won't make it any better.”
p.s. If you are planning a trip to a Disney park (for a reason other than making up for being a terrible parent) and want to talk planning, I will always find time to talk to you and I will never charge for my (entirely unofficial and non-legal) advice. Make an appointment and just note that you’d like to talk Disney.
